Lot 1259: Yellow cock

Dad took me to an auction yesterday. We’d been to a viewing the previous day – ostensibly looking for a couch – when I spotted a small lamp in the shape of a rooster that took my fancy. As it would.

Its official listing in the catalogue: ‘Yellow cock’.

I’d never been to an auction before but, as an avid Bargain Hunt fan, I had a general idea of what to expect. This particular auction was in a warehouse full of everything from antique cabinets to boxes of old Mad magazines and the gathered crowd was just as disparate: slovenly old men, middle-aged queens, mothers cradling small children.

Our auctioneer, looking a little harried (perhaps due to his early-onset male-pattern baldness), moved very quickly through proceedings - I got the distinct feeling he had somewhere better to be – so it was only a wait of an hour or so before my lot, 1259, came up.

I admit I was tense, a matter made worse when I saw a well-dressed woman of a certain age with that silvery-blonde hair you only see in affluent suburbs eyeing my cock. Oh no you don’t, I thought, that’s my cock, darling, my now-precious cock, which I couldn’t possibly live without, which I’d already mentally arranged in my bachelor pad. She didn't even need to be here, she should be fondling scarves in Hermes.

Keep your well-manicured paws off my cock, bitch!

The big moment came. “Lot 1259. A yellow… um.”

The auctioneer’s assistant came to the rescue: “Rooster, sir!”

As it turned out, just one other man showed any interest and I could hardly call it a bidding frenzy; it was over in about 30 seconds.

Thirty bucks. Not bad.